Vui Cuoi

MATHEMATICS OF MATING
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS REASONING
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot,
and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

LAW OF CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

ARGUMENT THEORUM
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Tên Việt tên Mỹ

Các bạn cứ thử tưởng tượng coi là tên Việt-Nam mà dịch ra tiếng Mỹ xem nghe có hay lắm, nhất là tên họ:

Này nhé Ðào là Peach, Lê là Pear, Ðinh là Nail, Ðỗ là Bean, Trần là Bare hoặc Nude, Hoàng là Yellow. Nguyễn mới là khó dịch. Nhiều người đề nghị muốn dịch thì phải phiên âm thành hai chữ lắp lại là "Ngũ Yên" vì chữ Nguyễn đọc nhanh theo kiểu Mỹ là Ngũ yên thật, và chữ Ngũ cũng như chữ Ngủ đọc hơi giống nhau vậy nên dịch là Goodnight (ví dụ như Thiệu văn Goodnight.)

Trái lại nhiều tên Mỹ dịch ra tiếng Việt cũng chả hay ho gì như:

Bird (chim), Barber (Thợ Cạo), Armstrong (tay khoẻ), White (Trắng), Baker (Người làm bánh), Bear (Con gấu), Black (đen), Bush (Bụi rậm) v.v...

Còn tên Việt Nam mình bị người địa phương đánh vần ra đọc theo kiểu Mỹ thì nghe ngán ngẩm lắm, nhất là những tên khó đọc. Có một gia đình kia mới sang tị nạn có hai cô con gái sinh đôi 13 tuổi, đi học lớp 8. Hôm đầu, bà giáo hỏi tên hai em. Em thứ nhất thưa "Thanh Vân", em thứ hai xướng tên là "Thu Trúc". Rồi bà giáo viết tên hai em lên bảng cho mọi người xem. Tên Việt-Nam của hai em đẹp vô cùng, một là "mây xanh" hai là "Trúc mùa thu".

Thế mà đến giờ chơi hai em nghe mấy con bạn Mỹ vừa cười dỡn vừa bàn tán với nhau: "Chắc Ba tụi nói là dealer xe vì thế mới có "TEN VANS" và "TWO TRUCKS" chứ."

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one's person's worthless object is another's prize possession. It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joy and appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends. Please pass this page on to friends and acquaintances so that they will know to cherish what they have and not worry about what they don't.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Please help!
--Desperate

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 fewer letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
......"Tag! You're it."

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoftgazer Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.
Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angles and eventually New York City where you wil run your expanding enterprise."

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING

        PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
        1. Peace of mind
        2. Peace of heart
        3. Peace of soul

        PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
        1. Squash gossip
        2. Squash indifference
        3. Squash grumbling
        4. Squash selfishness

        PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
        1. Lettuce be faithful
        2. Lettuce be kind
        3. Lettuce be patient
        4. Lettuce really love one another

        NO GARDEN WITHOUT TURNIPS:
        1. Turnip for meetings
        2. Turnip for service
        3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
        1. Thyme for each other
        2. Thyme for family
        3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU ...REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

Men and Women

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it; mainly because, it was a 'so-so' job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef; I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Now I'm retired! And I fit in real well.